Funny One-liners

This Thread is for funny One-liners. I typically don't find one-liners funny but every now and then, there is a good one.

I feel context makes one-liners more hilarious, so I will add some context behind this one.

A self described 'classy' girl posts a picture to facebook of her licking her lips flipping the camera off.

Many Incels, 'like' and comment on the picture. One guy calls her picture trashy and points out the hypocrisy of her pictures not meeting up with her 'ideals'.

A 'white knight' jumps in the comments and responds to the "One Guy" that he "better shut his mouth or he will beat his ass".

SMH...

The 'one guy' finds a picture of the white-knight struggling to lift 65lbs from a High school year book. He posts the picture up along with the one liner:

You couldn't beat a one legged man in an ass kicking contest

 

A girl called me one day and said “Come over, nobody’s home”. I went over. Nobody was home.

 

My wife said to me “Let’s run upstairs and make love”. I told her I can’t do both.

 

Take my wife please!

 

A plateau is the highest form of flattery....

 

If ain't first, you're last.

 

my father in-law describing one of his grand daughters x husband ....

that boy is useless as whale fertilizer

 

I've heard: As useless as tits on a bull.

 

tighter than Dick's hatband


wound tighter than a spring on a $2 watch


diarrhea so bad I could bend over and shit over a split rail fence

 

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.

 

Talking about you, not to you

 

And 2nd place is the 1st place Loser.......

 

Growing up, seeing someone mess up or fail at something we often said,
"Smooth move Ex-Lax" which always cracked us up.
I say it to my 16yr old now and he is like "Huh".......

 

After me you can go first.

 

Hiring you was like losing 3 good men.

 

This one won’t mean anything to people born after around 1970...

“I want you to meet Rainbow, the 8hr loaf”

(Description for the lazy guy on the job)

 

Saying that in Dale's voice of coarse.

 

He could eat an apple through a picket fence...

 

Boss asks me "to get after the project"

My Response: "I'll be on it like a rat on a cheeto"

 

I feel about as hopeless as a legless Ethiopian watching a doughnut roll down hill.

You are finer than a new set of snow tires!

You're about as useless as a screen door on a submarine.

Well, that makes about as much sense as Jewish Nazi.