Need some life advice. Pre-divorce tactics.

Well,
It saddens me to say my wife of 12 years (on November 1st) has called it quits.

I need some pre divorce tactics/advice from those who have survived through it. No kids, no house, minimal assets.
Don’t want to bring folks down, it’s no a bad thing, just 2 people who grew apart.

The divorce lawyer I spoke to wanted $400 for the 1st consultation and $2500 retainer.

This should be a no contest divorce.

 

If there is really not much to separate, see if she will agree to “do it yourselves”. The paperwork is pretty straightforward if you are saying minimal assets, no children. We the People is a great place to start if you have that in the OC. They are very helpful. Sorry to hear about your situation...good luck. Just remember to ALWAYS be the bigger person, don’t argue, but don’t give in to what you think is fair...compromise is key.

 

I just got divorced after 17 year marriage where wife just walked out. I feel for you brother. Hardest thing ever. Get the best attorney you can afford and protect yourself, because she will come after you and your money. Trust me, do not be the nice guy.

 

Having gone thru a divorce myself all I can say is if you/spouse can make the process a civil one I think there s far less grief.

 

Only advice I have is delete social media and hit gym. Both will do wonders for your mental and physical health to make it through this.

 

Sorry to hear this Tom.

 

Sorry to hear about it. I went through a real messy and expensive divorce. Ironically getting the actual divorce was straight forward - it was all the crap afterwards my ex pulled that was the messy part. I naively thought people could be civil...best piece of advice: find the best lawyer you can and take nothing at face value or for granted. I can’t stress this enough.

Divorces are expensive because they’re worth it!

 

I agree with some of the sentiment above. It's super rare for these things to stay amicable. May start out that way. But just don't let your gaurd down, have a backup plan in place. These type of things bring out the worst in people.. At least you don't have kids as that's always a hot topic. As others said you can probably get it done without all the hupla yourselves if you can keep it civil. Good luck to you.

 

Sorry to hear. I would get some consults for a few really good divorce attorneys to conflict them out in case she tries to hire one of them.
Also, talk to her about where she stands on everything. 12 years of marriage means alimony for half the years of the marriage. Retirement accounts are in play as well. It’s tough to protect these things in a divorce because the law is what it is.

 

I keep forgetting people have to deal with alimony in some states. Ridiculous practice.

 

If there is not many assets to split, try mediation. It's what I did and It's a fraction of the cost of lawyers. There is not point in giving what assets you have to law firms. Now if you can't come to a civil amicable agreement on your own you can always go the lawyer route afterwards.

 

Credit report and or credit monitoring , myfico is what I used ......... If your still live in the house leave all your money from your wallet under your floor mats before entering

 

FYI, its not your spouse its those bottom of the barrel scum sucking Attorneys, they make money the more they fight as others have said get the best one you can afford if the two of you can't work it out yourself.

 

I went through a non contested divorce in Shasta County. We were able to do everything ourselves. The courthouse had a packet of all required paperwork available. We were done in less than a day. Just had to wait the “6 month cooling off period” that California has. All in all it was quick painless and not expensive

 

I dont know yall situation and wont speculate. Whats important is to keep in mind that she no longer has your best interest in mind and doesnt care how youre hurt, distressed or your financial well being. So its best to find your own outlet to deal whether than trying to find comfort in her and treat all of the dealings yall have together as a business transaction. Find a lawyer and file, the faster this is over with is the sooner you can move forward to the next chapter of your life. The lawyer will fill in all the legal details for you.

I didnt mean this to be harsh, I just wanted to highlight a very key area where I failed during my divorce and it cost me my dignity, time and more money, to end in the same result. Its hard to think that the person who always had your back doesnt anymore but the sooner you get that perspective the easier things will flow. People change and someone you thought you knew so well will do a complete 180 on you and will use your kindness, pain, hardships to string you along and maximize their benefit. I wish you well through this.

 

This is all pretty good advice. Glad you don't have kids. That makes a huge difference. The lawyer fee's aren't bad at all. Hopefully someone referred them to you so you know if they are a good attorney or not. Try to be civil so you can end this as quickly as possible but do not trust her. Keep your guard up and good luck. I don't know who you are but I hate you are having to go through this. It's a horrible feeling and I just got done with mine but it was for the best. Take time for yourself to recover and feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to.

 

I have nothing to add, other than - thank *GOD* you have no kids. (And in this case, if you're an atheist, I don't care - I'm STILL thanking God. LOL!)

Dad was married and he divorced his first wife because she was essentially a cipher - didn't know/do much. E.g., she would call HIM at work to ask him why I was crying as a baby. LOL

Got divorced and remarried....and only found out 7 years later that she was beating the !@$%$ out of me, locking me in closets/bathrooms, punching/kicking me, the whole 9 yards.

He got out of that....and because they'd had a child together and she had one from a previous marriage - AND because we lived in Cook County, IL, my Dad ended up being taken to the cleaners over the next 10 years, to the tune of several hundred thousand dollars. (And this doesn't even begin to scratch the surface....this is maybe 2% of the @##%$ that went on.)

I've personally not been through it, but I'll echo what others have said - if you need to talk/vent/etc., shoot me a PM and I'd be glad to chat.

 

When you read the responses, most are saying to "Lawyer up" and expect some sort of resistance. You can bet that her "friends" are telling her the same. This is where the communication between the two of you stops, and the lawyers begin. Assume the worst case scenario to prepare for, then be as amicable as possible as to not light the fire of the female darkside. There is always a side of people you have never seen until you're faced against them. Then the true nature of both of you will be revealed. Regardless of your peaceful intentions, you want still want it to go good for yourself, so be prepared! Good luck!

 

So moral of the thread, don't get married? Got it.

 

Sorry to hear Tom, best of luck.

 

This. Trying to put your feelings for her aside and protect yourself while being the bigger man is so hard, but so necessary.

The gym literally saved my mind when I got divorced. I took a break from social media as well, but it was the gym that did it. You are so, so right.

 

I'm not sure I will ever remarry, because I have really enjoyed my freedom to do as I please. I loved so many things about being married, but being single aint half bad.

*stares at expensive bike parked in the dining room*

 

You have to protect yourself and your future. Get a lawyer as others have said. My lawyer cost me some money but she saved me a ton from what I may have paid in alimony down the road.

 

Live and learn. Be damned if I go through that crap again!

 

Sorry to hear.
With no kids or house this should be straight forward. Vehicles, furniture, and personal stuff just needing to be divided up. 401s or retirement could be brought to the table. Do not know how alimony works or if applicable.
As others have said, if it can be done amicably great for everyone and the pocket book. Keep your guard up

In my early years went thru a similar divorce, but only married for 3 years. We kept it amicable which wasn't easy but worth it down the line.

I have seen many spend needless amounts of money on lawyers that in reality did nothing but keep the playing field level.

 

Not to be that guy, but...

Lock your credit down, lock any joint accounts down. Check credit card balances and document, lock them down also. Figure out whos moving out, if both on lease, how can it be broken down to one name. If you have car payments, check the status on them, if current great, if not figure out why and who is responsible(her car, your car). Same if you have any toys, jet skies, travel trailers, stuff like that. If you have joint accounts, with direct deposit, get your own now!

Try to be civil, but protect your ass financially. If you have 401K's maybe offer to buy her out of it, with cash.

And if she lawyers up, don't believe all the stuff they say about you. That dragged me down a terrible tunnel that was tough to get out of.

And like others have mentioned, who once was a person who has your back, is now just out for herself. So always cover your bases, and watch emails and text messages to her. Figure anything you say will be brought back up at some point.

Thankfully no kids, that will make it so much easier.

I'm in TX, so no alimony here luckily. We each got one kid, which avoided child support, and we went our separate directions. She has tainted my relationship with my daughter to the point, where I really don't have one anymore. So that sucks most about the whole situation. Haven't talked to my ex in over 3 years.

Get a hobby, and enjoy!!

 

Hey man, sorry to hear this! I only quickly perused what others have posted so sorry if I am repeating anything others have posted.

Each state is different with required processes, etc. The most expensive and best thing I did here in PA was to lawyer up. I "thought" we could work it out between us but man, was I wrong. Though you mentioned not much in the way of assets, retirement accounts come into play. The "marital portion" of the account comes in as an asset. If you have one, you will need to have it evaluated. Yep, there are companies out there for this. Debt also comes into play. When and if you lawyer up, please know, that retainer will quickly disappear. Be prepared for one stinking email to cost $50-100. It's just the nature of the beast. The $11k I spent on lawyer fees saved my ass tons down the road. They have the ability to ensure language is written in such a way, no return for assets can happen.

Perhaps you state allows for binding mediation. Essentially, you both come to the table and draw up an agreement with a neutral 3rd party--likely an attorney. This person helps you hash thru things and completes all of the paperwork which needs to be submitted. If so, this could be the cheapest and easiest route. Listen man, once blood is in the water, hell sometimes even before a drop is spilled, the shark in her will likely come out. Cover your 6!

All in all, keep this in the back of your head. At the end of a successful compromise, each of you will feel a little bad. Make sure both of you come out of this feeling crappy. Not just you!