Parents and Dimentia......Anyone Dealing With This?

My dad has dementia. Today he surged a bit.

My dad's dementia has been getting worse for quite a while....seems like it took a dive the last few months.

Diabetic, doesn't do anything about it, lost all feeling in his feet. Won't give up candy, ice cream, soda pop, just won't give any of that up. So he's at the point he staggers and often, loses his balance, apparently he falls quite a bit too but I've never actually seen it.

About a month ago has this guy come over, dude from the Veteran's Admin. to fit him out with those reactive shoe insert things that send pulses up the ankle to replaces the lack of such impulses a normal person would get but can't after diabetes destroys the nerve endings in one's feet. NATURALLY he has me pay strict attention, read the manual, charge them up and so......HE DOESN'T USE THOSE ONCE SINCE THAT GUY CAME.

He's got an appointment with that doc today. Last night he has me charge those up. I haven't seen these things used in a month. Plug them up for him, green light comes on, I think those are charged, unplug those. Today he puts them on, they stop working. Not charged. Goes off on me. I reply "if you'd actually used these...." cuts me off, "you told me they were charged!" I look up as I listen to the rant. I try to explain what's happened.....he looks up and mocks me in exaggerated body language.

"Dad, I'm trying to explain..." He cuts me off: "THAT'S HOW YOU DO ME!" (Oops, used the wrong body language you see). "Dad if you'd been using these..." Him: "I CAN'T EVEN PUT THESE ON!" "Dad, we are here every second you are home...we would have put them on for you..." "I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT!" "Dad, put it off a bit, you can call..." "YOU CAN'T CALL THE VA! THEY WILL HAVE ME! I'LL JUST FAKE IT."

My dad is embarrassed. He hasn't used these the entire time he's had them, not once, the battery has lost charge and I forgot too how to charge them. Apparently a blinking green light means "charging." Of course, he would never admit a mistake.....I've known him 50 years now, he doesn't admit mistakes, something or someone else always "made him do it."

Anyone going through this? The parent you take care of doesn't do anything they are supposed to but it's your fault they don't know how to work the things they haven't used the entire time they've had them. Anyone?

 

You aren't alone. "The 36-Hour Day" has been strongly recommended by multiple sources. I have yet to read it but plan to. It's tough and a thankless job. Stay strong knowing that they're like kids... If they are on best behavior out of the house, then you are seeing them at their most vulnerable, because they trust you. Better that than either alternative. Stay strong, you aren't alone, and make sure you are protecting your own pillars.

 

It's a hard road you are on. My mom's husband is going through some dementia and other issues and it is a burden. They are not the people they once were, but they are to you. They are at a point where the simplest things, they forget or don't remember how to do. He will get tired and just slide onto the floor and won't get up. Like his will power is gone and he just wants to end it there.

I can't speak much of the always blaming someone else thing. If he has never admitted to a mistake or being wrong, then I would say that is just a personality trait. Once again, that would just be an outsiders observation.

There are resources to help with aid for him.

 

I’d say your Dad is lucky to have a son like you.
My Mom had Alzheimer’s and similar to dementia, it’s an insidious disease. Deteriorating slowly at first, then compounding until the will to live is gone. My Mom essentially starved herself despite all the kids efforts, so I understand the frustration.
It’s tough that the man that raised you isn’t the same man in his twilight, but there will come a day that you wish he was still with you, regardless of his condition. Find solace, strength and peace in the time remaining .

 

I've been taking care of my uncle for a couple months now. I can relate to the candy and soda, the guy won't eat anything but cake unless I hover and make sure he eats. He looks at me like I'm some kinda dungeon master because I make him do things he doesn't want to like bathe, and he gets mad that I do simple things for him. He yells about how he can do it himself but I learned real quick not to let him, it just messes with him more when he can't actually do them. I hate when he blames me for that inability, but I understand the frustration and just try not to show mine, it's led to lots of tear stains on my pillow. I guess I have it kinda easy because he just sleeps most of the time, the flip side is I worry that one day he won't wake up. All we can do is take it day to day (sometime hour by hour) and just try to do what is best for them while making sure they are also as comfortable as possible. It's especially hard because I've always respected my elders and I don't like telling a grown man that he can't do or have what he wants, even if it's for his own good

 

My wife and I purchased her childhood home and her parents moved into the in-law suite that was originally built for their parents.....long story short, my FIL was a VERY active person up to about 75 years old (ski, water ski, boat, all yard work, construction projects, etc). About 6 years ago, he was taking down christmas lights off the roof and got tangled in the lights and did a header onto the sidewalk - 3 weeks after neck fusion. The only reason he wasn't paralyzed was because of the fusion. Since that fall he has had multiple mini strokes, hip replacement as a result of a fracture, and is in chronic pain. The dementia started after the strokes.....and has progressed quickly. We are thankful that we are around to help and support. My wife has the patience of a saint and to some degree doesn't want to see (or admit) the progression but it is getting worse. Anecdotally, when his pain increases his memory is worse......

Not sure I have any advice except to try to remain calm and patient (I have a hard time with this). Arguing or pointing out their erratic tendencies isn't helpful and only frustrates them more. The fact that he was so active for so much of his life works against him - almost like his brain thinks his body should still be able to do all those things. But physically he just can't. He wants to help me do projects and it's hard because he is much slower and gets easily confused. My wife asks me to involve him and I have to stop myself from saying and thinking "it is just easier to do this myself and will take much less time." So i am trying to allow him the opportunity to help in these types of things. And it makes a difference - he says he doesn't feel "useless" when he does stuff.

Hope it gets better for you and even if it isn't obvious, you're an incredible son willing to take on the tough job of helping your dad manage a difficult time.

 

Thought I would share a story that occurred while Mom was in assisted living. She had a nice lady that was her daily attendant and one day while I was visiting she was tidying up Moms room. Mom and I were having our typical conversation about when she could leave the home, drive, etc. I would be frank with Mom about those things.
After my visit her attendant followed me out of the room and gave me some of the best advice how to deal with Mom. She said I shouldn’t tell her negative answers when she asked about leaving the home, driving, etc. I asked her if she was suggesting that I lie to Mom and she said the Lord doesn’t consider little white lies to make someone feel good as sins and it’s unlikely she will remember what you told her anyway.
So, I changed my conversations to be positive even though the answers weren’t reality, and it made a huge difference in Moms attitude. It made her happy.

 

My grandfather died from Alzheimer's, and later, Parkinson's. He was the most important person in my life other than my Dad. Worked through college, became a public servant and made it all the way to City Manager. They wanted him to run for Mayor but he declined. He settled for a job as City Inspector and Public Utilities Director. The only reason my hometown had a wastewater plant was because of him. His certifications in water treatment were so good that counties would borrow him when they needed help because no one else had the expertise.

In the end, the man I once knew as the smartest man in the world couldn't even remember to go to the bathroom. His body forgot how to do everything including breathe. I fvcking hate dementia diseases. They not only take the person but the entire family with them. I guess my post wasn't much help so much as to say you aren't alone and that all you can do is force yourself to remember who they were and not what they are now.

 

Wishing everyone in this thread the best in your respective journeys.

If you have young ones, just remember that you have a choice in everything you do and you are in control of what kind of example you set. They see and hear more than you realize, and it's crushing when they ask questions and utilize your own words and phrases during them. It gutted me the first time it happened because they were things I've said about my own mother and their grandmother.

Stay strong, stay positive, you are absolutely not alone in your journey, and I wish your people the best.